Laughed through the pain

2021 literally chewed me up and spat me out. The most trying time of my life without a shadow of a doubt.  

To say it was a dark time in my life would  certainly be an understatement. 

I don’t think words can fully convey how Rough it was. Words cannot begin to expound on my experience. 

I vividly remember feeling like my entire world was falling apart yet I was still expected to function as a mom , employee , daughter , entrepreneur , sister etc 

I could be in a room full of people yet feel extremely lonely and unseen .
 To make matters worst , you see the uncomfortable stares and hear the whispers, murmurs at certain functions . 

You want nothing more than to desperately defend/explain yourself yet you’re advised and convicted to attain the maturity to remain still and quiet . It makes you feel defeated , Violated and robbed of your peace and dignity.
It feels as though a piece of my soul was violently ripped out of me. I will never be the same person. 
Imagine standing in the middle of traffic gasping for air yet not a single vehicle stops to provide you with aid because they believe you to be a “villain”. You’re literally suffocating and deemed unworthy of CPR. 

Those moments felt like my heart was deliberately being ripped out of my chest cavity and I am desperately struggling to fight them off . The heart is one the most vital organs in the body ; how does one function without it ?

How is one expected to function without it ? 

I spent my most darkest times alone when everyone assumed I was okay (I still have my days ) 

Wanna know why that is ? I laughed / smiled through my pain . I could honestly use a tune up In the communication department where I openly express my sporadic feelings of distress. However I chose to remain silent and solely rely on God.  I was fully aware of the presence of God in my life  I trusted that he didn’t lie when he said he knows the plans he has for me therefore I have to trust, rely and wait on him. To fully come to the realization that this season of my life would eventually pass .To come to a place where I truly believed there was light at the end of the tunnel .Eventually I understood that yes my life did not go as planned however there could be a better one waiting for me .  Not all storms come to disrupt your life , some come to clear your path .

My daughter Eira was recently under the weather; during that time I was extremely attentive to her needs . I did all I could to ensure her comfort and ease then I remembered the verse where it states God draws near to the crushed and broken hearted . It all made sense. Every parent jumps to action when their child is ill. My Heavenly Father did just that ; when I was devastated, crushed and broken hearted. He comforted me (a lot of TLC) and saw me through when I felt and believed all hope was lost . 

My pastor recently gave me a word; he stated that my narrative/story is going to change , the word also stated that all doors that I had envisioned to be closed would be open at the appropriate time. That was confirmation as well as a reminder that God 

 1, was and will always be near 2, he is still mindful of me and lastly he is not like man to lie ; he fulfills every promise he makes. I felt empowered , I felt relieved , I felt seen and most importantly heard.

Even though , I laughed a lot through my pain to simply make light of the situation . There was  absolutely nothing comical about any of it . This is my life , not Comedy Central. 

Theres nothing funny about trauma , disgrace , mockery , pain , suffering etc.However , sorrow only endures for a night because joy certainly cometh in the morning . I thank God that I am no longer in that space .I thank God for the renewal of mind , body and spirit. 

Felt the need to Share ; In the spirit of transparency 

 If you’ve ever experienced a life altering event where you felt all hope was lost , where you were consumed with anger , pain , bitterness . If you’ve ever been bruised and ill-treated, and feel it will be hard to trust someone ever again.  I pray that you find comfort in knowing that the lord is always there, supporting, guiding and  loving you each step of the way. May he Help you to trust in Him– give you the grace to just rest in Him and allow him to  care for the details and fully heal your heart (make you whole ) . May You never feel abandoned but instead feel loved by Him. May that love give you confidence as You move forward in life. Amen. 

Prior to releasing any post ; I send it to my spiritual parents for approval . I included a screenshot of my first lady’s response to the post. Enjoy the excerpt from my first lady as she provided insight . 👇🏾👇🏾👇🏾