Addicted to pain

While my friends were in healthy loving relationships, living it up it like a motherf-cker
I was enraged, feeling it like a motherf-cker
Bird in a cage, you would never know what I was dealing with
Went our separate ways, but I was happy they were loving it
Bittersweet, they were up, I was down
No lie, I felt good for them, but what do I do now?
 Meanwhile, this nigga putting his hands on me
I swear y’all don’t know the half of the story of this escapee.
When you’re soaked in tears for years, it never airs out
When you make pain look this good it never wears out
when you're so addicted to pain, you feel you have nothing to gain
 so you allow the vicious cycle to remain
you're immune to the pain because its all you know
The final blow hit so low
I'm still on the ground
I couldn't have prepared myself for that fall
Shattered in pieces curled up on the floor
It’s almost been a decade
I’m behind them black shades
Roll up like it’s all good, when my past seems to keep haunting me
present relationships suffering as a result
I'm an addict to pain so when I'm not in pain, its too unfamiliar.
Fooled everybody, except myself
Soaking in this hurt, bathing in the dirt
dragging me by my hoodie on school grounds late at night
feeling humiliated and seeking a savior
this spin cycle i tried to configure

This piece was inspired by a song