The Ugly truth
i just wanted to be loved , another man caught my attention. a man that gave me all i wanted and more . i developed feelings for this man. i like him . i began to engage in sexual activities with this man. It happened twice but it doesn't negate the fact that, i had become something that i couldn't stand. is it possible that i had become a cheater ? something i strongly despised. the shoe was now on the other foot but this other man appeared to have my best interest at heart. he was a man that expressed his feelings, a man that showed me affection, a man that finally put me first. A man that gave me something i had longed/yearned for. I was in love with two men, two complete opposites.
Let me rephrase that : I was in love with number 1 but i loved how number 2 treated me.
"Have you ever been in love with two people? No? Alright don't do it. Ever. It's the worst. It's complicated. That's the only explanation you can come up with to make yourself feel better. You know you need to figure it out but it's complicated. Very complicated. It's two completely different people. One is the person you've always asked for. Does everything you've ever asked of a guy. Why is there a second? It's different with number 1. It's so exciting. Like for the 30 minutes that you're together you're just so happy. You get the butterflies again. Your heart races faster than you thought possible. You feel so damn giddy on the inside. It's crazy that one person with their presence can do this to you. But then he's not that great. He fucks up. He wants the social attention. He hangs with the wrong group of people. He never learns. He never trusts. He never behaves. You can't tame him. You can't break through to him. There's nothing you can do to change this man. But that's what keeps him the second man. All of this is why you're so hung up on him. And he's your supposed true love. Your first experience with love. Your first heart break. Your first emotion. The first to know you inside out. You accept him for all his flaws. You don't want him to change cause you admire all the little ways he fucks up. The dumb things he says. The saying the wrong thing at the right time or the right thing at the wrong time. I accepted it all. You don't want to change him. Why the fuck would you change the man , when he has perfected in his fuck ups. He doesn't love you right. You insist he'll learn but when. Hours. Days. Months. Years. You've given it all but he's still the second man. You can't dare hate him. He has your heart. You want to take the world and just hand it to him and tell him he deserves it and so much more. You want to sit down with him and just talk to him until you break every inch of all the 99 walls he has up. You'll do everything to fix him. Not change him, fix him. You see everything in him. Everything that nobody sees. Even him. You shouldn't love this mess. Not one bit. But there it is. You love him. Everything included you still love him. And here you are at 3:38 a.m doing nothing but thinking about this man that can't love you right. Maybe he never will. But you're risking your better hoping he'll be amazing. And what if he's not? What if he disappoints you once again? You can't heal twice. Not from the same heartbreak. Not this time. He has your heart so strongly you can't even bother to fight for it back because you know you won't get it back. So here you are. Two men. Completely different. Polar opposites. And somehow you're stuck on the worst option. Love huh? "
Let me rephrase that : I was in love with number 1 but i loved how number 2 treated me.
"Have you ever been in love with two people? No? Alright don't do it. Ever. It's the worst. It's complicated. That's the only explanation you can come up with to make yourself feel better. You know you need to figure it out but it's complicated. Very complicated. It's two completely different people. One is the person you've always asked for. Does everything you've ever asked of a guy. Why is there a second? It's different with number 1. It's so exciting. Like for the 30 minutes that you're together you're just so happy. You get the butterflies again. Your heart races faster than you thought possible. You feel so damn giddy on the inside. It's crazy that one person with their presence can do this to you. But then he's not that great. He fucks up. He wants the social attention. He hangs with the wrong group of people. He never learns. He never trusts. He never behaves. You can't tame him. You can't break through to him. There's nothing you can do to change this man. But that's what keeps him the second man. All of this is why you're so hung up on him. And he's your supposed true love. Your first experience with love. Your first heart break. Your first emotion. The first to know you inside out. You accept him for all his flaws. You don't want him to change cause you admire all the little ways he fucks up. The dumb things he says. The saying the wrong thing at the right time or the right thing at the wrong time. I accepted it all. You don't want to change him. Why the fuck would you change the man , when he has perfected in his fuck ups. He doesn't love you right. You insist he'll learn but when. Hours. Days. Months. Years. You've given it all but he's still the second man. You can't dare hate him. He has your heart. You want to take the world and just hand it to him and tell him he deserves it and so much more. You want to sit down with him and just talk to him until you break every inch of all the 99 walls he has up. You'll do everything to fix him. Not change him, fix him. You see everything in him. Everything that nobody sees. Even him. You shouldn't love this mess. Not one bit. But there it is. You love him. Everything included you still love him. And here you are at 3:38 a.m doing nothing but thinking about this man that can't love you right. Maybe he never will. But you're risking your better hoping he'll be amazing. And what if he's not? What if he disappoints you once again? You can't heal twice. Not from the same heartbreak. Not this time. He has your heart so strongly you can't even bother to fight for it back because you know you won't get it back. So here you are. Two men. Completely different. Polar opposites. And somehow you're stuck on the worst option. Love huh? "
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