Journey continues ...........

The journey continued.............. i found myself being very depressed, sad and questioning my decision to walk away. i knew it was for the best but i also lost the only man i ever knew. Growing up, i didn't have a male figure in my life. my siblings and i were raised by our grandmother and mother. My mother struggled with her marriage to our father, she eventually raised us a single mother since my father decided he was no longer cut out to be a dad. The years went by and i found my confidence/self esteem gradually building back up. i became a serial dater but there was no emotions/ feelings involved nor invested. i had a wall up; that wall was up for legitimate/valid reasons of course. When i found myself catching feelings, i had to break things off or chase them away. I became very good at manipulating all situations as well as pushing pass their limits. I told myself I'd leave before i got left ....I wouldn't engage in any sexual activities with them it was all about control. Since there was no physical contact , there was no emotional attachment. I was in full control of the situation and i loved it. i was in it for the mental warfare. After a few more years of serial dating , i came across another young gentleman. i thought to myself why not give him a try. He was a total sweetheart, he was ambitious, educated, family oriented and very giving. I went on a few dates with  him, we spent ample time together. i found myself falling for him over time. I expressed my feelings to him and i did not get the reaction i anticipated but i overlooked it. Several months went by ; there was no progress in the relationship. i began to question him on our status. I wanted more . i wanted a label, i wanted him to myself. 8 months down the road , i initiated yet another conversation where he expressed that, he wasn't ready for a relationship. . i was in too deep, i couldn't turn back now. i took a leap of faith; a decision i do not regret. There was several instances where i felt like i wasn't good enough, i felt like i was his dirty little secret. he wouldn't acknowledge me in public. he would place everyone and everything before me. i found myself in a love triangle where he began to date someone else. i isolated myself from him but he just wouldn't leave me alone. Wrongfully i continued to engage with him sexually. This triangle went on for quite sometime. it was stressful, depressing and tiring. One cold evening, i received a phone call; the gist of the phone call was " I've given it much thought and I've decided to be with her. i will never forget those words. my whole world felt shattered, i felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on repeatedly. Well, the strongest one walked away as the weakest stayed . Guess who the weak one was ? yes you're right it was me. After him choosing her over me, i Still chose to stick around all in the name of 'Love". I was so caught up in making him happy that i slowly lost myself. i didn't know whom i was anymore, i was in a relationship but felt so alone. i wanted a companion, security, affection , love.my relationship lacked it all. why am i here again?  He was with me physically but emotionally he was unavailable. i had to guess, assume and wonder about his feelings towards me. he never expressed himself to me, in the 3 years of our "relationship" he never said "i love you" i should have recognized the signs then ........