BEHIND CLOSED DOORS

Hey guys , I know it's been quite some time since my last post . I've been preoccupied with all that life has to offer as well as it's daily struggles.  Approximately 2 weeks ago , I made the bold decision to cut my hair . I've always taken much pride in my hair so the drastic decision to cut was nothing short of shocking to those that personally know me .  One might ask why I made such a decision . Well the answer is pretty simple. For the past 5-6 years , I've held on to anger, pain, resentment, depression, anxiety , false pretenses etc .  Cutting my hair was symbolic of letting go of everything that has served as a barrier as well as diminished my quality of life. I recently had a shoot and this shoot stood for my newfound liberation . "Those whom do not move, do not notice the chains that hold them" As most may already know , I suffer from depression and anxiety. My condition has worsened this past year where I feel trapped in my own thou...

I learned a few years  ago that it might not be a bad idea to keep my future relationships private. My past experiences have resonated with me and no, It does not come  from a hurting place. As expected you pick up a thing or two after you've experienced the painful ending of a somewhat public relationship. People naturally want to win. No one sits down to take a test hoping to fail. No one shows up to a race hoping to lose and no one begins a meaningful relationship hoping to break up. So,  I swore off things like social media when it came to my relationships and only informed a tiny circle of friends and family members that I was even seeing anyone. My logic: The less people that know about this relationship, the less people I’ll have to deal with looking at me and wondering what went wrong if things happen to go awry. Anything to not have to deal with the shame of a highly visible breakup again. But after closely examining my behavior in relation to other people and my...

You are just like poison , slowly moving through my system kiling all of my defenses with time .    You ain't right, you take me high Then that high, subsides my body gradually flat lines How many doses do I need now? What's the prognosis, will you forever be around  Or am I just another victim of an assassin that broke my mind down?  If I told you I was mentally ill , would you believe me?  If I showed you that I'm intelligently skilled, could you see it ?  I feel like the whole world is targeting me and they don't even know it  My silent killer  Will  longer gonna stand as a pillar My mind weakened from that ice cold distiller  I'm the only one that holds the key to this prison I call my  ...... MIND  My silent killer lives between my very two ears 

If I wasn't competition , you would try to wife me . Negro I'm a chick , quit acting like me . I heard you say my name I didn't take it lightly . U too busy boning little girls that were born in 93

I'm not speaking on the typical suicide  I'm speaking on the atypical kinda suicide The kind where you let any ol joe between your knees but don't deem it fit  to let this lifestyle cease  The kind where you stick in a needle in your arm for that instant gratification but failed to acknowledge that long term chain reaction  The kind where you stifle your wants and needs to accommodate everyone else's ease  The kind where you're enslaved by the monster in your head but don't know how to conquer it.  You're in for the roller coaster ride , to seek that temporary high . Your soul slowly dies. Oh lord please , devour me of all my enemies  I'll rather have 12 people decide my fate than have 6 of my love ones carry me to my grave.  

You trust him enough to sleep with you without a condom but you don't trust him enough to not go through his phone when there's a problem ?  Men love too if not harder but the real question is "what nonsense comes with the   "I love you's" please ladies don't confuse desire with deserve . As a woman it's your choice to decide if he's trustworthy to walk back through that door or leave him on the curb.  This is your life not a revolving door  He leaves you In pieces and now here he is begging for peace. They say it's true love if it comes back , I strongly disagree with this statement .  I believe it's true love if it never left  💋 Your crown has been paid for so ladies proudly wear it . Your debt is paid in full , you owe it to yourself to be happy 

Hey guys , I know it's been quite some time since I last blogged . You guys have no idea what I've been through this past month and half . I had a few episodes for those that are familiar with my blog would know exactly what I'm referring to .  Well it's with a warm heart that i say that, things are finally looking up and I'm currently in good space . Taking it one day at a time ...   A week ago , I was conversing with a friend . I had text her due to a fb status that she had posted. The gist of her post was that, "it's time for a change" she'd been dealing with her ex on and off for approximately 7 years.  Now we all know how tough it is to walk away from something you're very well accustomed to . It's extremely difficult as one can imagine. Shes currently dating here and there but struggles to let her guard down as well as receive & reciprocate love.  You're told a plethora of times not to hurt the one you love so much as you'...

I know I'm not the only one to experience unwarranted hate / attention from my fellow woman .  It's unfortunate that we live in a world where another woman feels the need to kick you while you're down , beat you to your very knees to elevate herself ...  I have heard several rumors about myself where other women that I guess are intimated/threatened by me are taking screen shots of my pictures on social media to send to each other for a good laugh . 👍👍👍  Now they just might have valid reasons for their ill/negative feelings towards me but I'll never know those reasons because they opted to approach me like grown women to further discuss things . They chose the most juvenile approach & my response : to each their own .  They are a plethora of reasons why I find this appalling and I believe behaviors like this are a piss poor display of womanhood but i'd rather not get into that just yet .  Granted I hear these things and of course I go through a series of ...

In a society like ours, marriage is a norm. A norm followed so religiously that if you don't fit in there, then you're labeled an outcast. My short take on how different women are...   At my age , it'd be more than appropriate for me to think / consider marriage and build a family of my own . Surprisingly that's not necessarily my thinking process . I don't think I want to get married or have kids . however , I do want stability as in a long term committed relationship that lasts for eternity .  I know I know I don't have a conventional way  of thinking . My thinking process doesn't entirely make sense but it makes total sense to me 😂😂😷 I wish I had precise reasons as to why I feel this way . Maybe I'm afraid to make a commitment such as marriage , maybe  I'm afraid that, i'd make a bad wife , maybe I just don't see myself with one person for the rest or my life . I  Honestly don't know... I'm currently  married to my work and care...

He pulls my hair He slaps me in my face  I often wonder how i got here in the first place ? The man I love is hurting me  How could this be ? Here I am curled up on the floor With No strength to wak right out the door  I wish I knew his reason why My heart wont let me leave him & it hurts too much to try I  wonder if this is how my life will be From now until the very day I die  He apologizes every time  My response baby it's fine But deep down I know it'll happen again.... It's ONLY a matter of time !!! 

Disclaimer : In this piece I'm referring to myself . I'm speaking from my own personal experience as well as what pertains to me. I can't speak for any one else but me.. ENJOY !!!   Insecurities : I bet you've heard a lot of females say either to or about their boyfriends . "He made me this way , he made me insecure "  Umm come again ? Wanna run that by me one more time ? That's absolutely false . That's the thickest bullshit I've heard a lot of females try to convince themselves as well as others that their insecurities stem from the actions of their partner ..Well I wholeheartedly disagree...  Yes ma'am I certainly do ...   Insecurities are pre-existing conditions , they are well planted seeds . Your partner may have watered that plant but he didn't plant the seed .  There are underlying reasons as to why we behave the way we do , why we react the way we do , why we communicate the way do etc  Prime Example : I use to be very insecure , I...

All you ever did was make me cry My soul slowly died True love is a gift  You let it drift  you can only go for so long Doing the one you claim to love so wrong Before too much is enough You look up Find your love gone I pleaded for you not to allow love to lose We could have rode it through  I was reaching for you Now here you are singing the blues  ***you might have found another lover but you always started with Chelly like the letter "C" ** 

I know most people are wondering what my secret could possibly be. Well , I'm happy to be in a place where I can confidently & comfortably share this information with others. In 2010, I was diagnosed with severe depression , bipolar and anxiety disorder.  I'm proud of myself for how I've managed my illness thus far. In the past few years,since the onset of this terrible mental disorders, I have somehow risen to the occasion and been able to manage this with the grace I never thought I had. Every single day is a challenge and I'm guessing I'm the best person for this job otherwise I wouldn't have it. Given my African background, I observed early on that the concept of "mental health" didn't resonate equally among cultures despite a need. How individuals are brought up among stigma can make them loathe admitting emotional struggles to a physician or rather a 'complete stranger'. My interest in Psychiatry stems mainly from such experiences...

I come from a long line of hurt and pain  Got betrayed by a man I would die for   Lost a grandmother I would kill for  Lost a great grandmother I would commit crimes for  Lost an uncle I would go violent for  Lost a friend I would go gay for  I live for a woman I would never astray for  Diagnosis from cancer to mental    All series of events hit to the very core  Contemplated going on board just to jump off shore  Feelings I've tried extremely hard to ignore  This ain't no ol' regular outpour  This is an internal war  The declaration of the fear of my mortality  What's the outlook of my finale ?  What legacy would I leave when I have yet to plant my seed ?  In my hands are rosery beads as I ask God to devour me of all my enemies  On my shoulders I carry a ton of penalties I wish I could cleanse myself of such pedigree... 😔😔😔😔 🔫🔫🔫

"Love is not blind-It sees more and not less, but because it sees more it is willing to see less." - Will Moss Lovers are often blind to their beloved's negative traits and tend to create an idealized image of their beloved. We often love the idealized object rather than the real one. Are we then blind when we fall in love and when we maintain it?  In a surprising number of cases, people fall in love with their idealized vision of their lovers, or with the idea of being in love, rather than with the actual reality of their lovers. Indeed people often say that they are living out their dreams with their loved ones. Positive illusions are in fact central to romance. Lovers do not see clearly, if at all, their beloved's negative traits and tend to create an idealized image of the beloved. Is this conducive ? I certainly don't believe so  Instead of turning a blind eye or loving the "potential" of your lover. Why don't you face the reality of your partne...

Staying in a relationship longer than warranted is a prison sentence. it's neither love nor is it loyalty . It's just stupid . The excuses most women use , "it's been so long , I can't walk away now".  If you're unhappy in a situation , do yourself the favor by removing yourself . Why are you enslaved by guilt to stay where you clearly don't belong or better yet where you're not appreciated ...  You're in the love with the memories not the man . You're in love with the time you invested , you in love with "what could have been" , you're in love with the potential that he has but chooses not to act on , you're in Iove with the idealized version of him not the real him , you're in love with ..... The fear of being alone so instead you stick around in hopes that things will somehow fall into place . How does that happen if the foundation & the entire journey has been rocky ? The blueprint was never laid out so eventua...

I will be disclosing this information with an upcoming interview . I will post the video once and if everything goes accordingly . It's still in the works !!! Depending on the timing , I might have to post/disclose it upon my return. Hopefully not , we'll just have to wait and see how things pan out 😘😘😘✌️✌️✌️

 You know that voice in your head that says… You can’t do it. You’ll never be  good enough . You’re going to fail. This voice taunts you whenever you set a goal. It criticizes you when life gets difficult. It beats you down when you struggle to stand up against its running commentary. You're not alone  I experience self doubt more often than not . It is awful , I am my own worst critic. I have this terrible habit of doubting myself. My worst fear is not "making" it so I tend to overwhelm myself when not warranted. My fear of failure probes me to over exert myself and that's not entirely healthy . At one point or another, we all question whether or not we are doing enough, making enough money, or if we are going to be “successful” enough. I know this firsthand, as I’ve spent long periods of my young adult life in a persistent state of  fear and self-doubt . Ive held onto jobs, toxic relationships, and draining friendships because I thought that if I left the...

Hmmmm now this should be interesting. I don't know the number of women that will openly admit that they have once been the "other woman" Now let's not get ahead of our selves , let me explain myself  . For those that are familiar with the popular reality show love and hip hop NY. Well my situation was very similar to that of Tara , petter gunz and Amina . Where I went from being the "main chick" to the "side chick " I know what most of you thinking , "Are you freaking kidding me ?" When I look back , I ask myself the same question. I can't believe I accepted and lived such a dilemma. It's so surreal, you know it’s wrong, you know your world will be shattered, but you do it anyway. You convince yourself that since you are not the one cheating, it’s okay. You convince yourself that all the “I care about you’s/I love you too's” and all the open-ended promises actually mean something. It’s a fairytale; a world that you’ve created ...

This piece was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend over the weekend & I'm certain most of you can relate .  "He doesn't love me as much as I love him " Loving someone whom doesn't love you back has got to be the most hopeless feeling in the world because it's out of  your control. Then again , this is exactly what you need to move on with your life . Affection and love should never be chased . If it's not given freely then it's not worth having. It's not your fault , that one doesn't appreciate your presence or better yet value you . The Only thing left for you to do is move on ..  These are a few tips that might aid in the process :  Be honest with yourself . How and why you feel about another says a lot about you. How and why the other person feels about us says a lot about them. It is important to let it sink in deeply that the person being loved does not love back. It hurts. Feel it. Allow yourself to grieve. You do not have ...

Romance ... Just what everyone needs...right? The Valentine's Day marketing machine and the quest for social acceptance can make "Singles Awareness Day" dreary or even cruel if you're alone, whether by choice or by circumstance. It's hard to see what else life has to offer when you're bombarded with romantic comedies on TV, flowers, romance novels and cutesy heart-shaped trinkets in the stores, and never-ending drippy advertisements and event announcements. Here are a few suggestions below made by some fantastic thoughtful ladies on how to spend the day if you're single.   "Organize a Secret Admirers gifting sesh , à la Secret Santa: You and a group of friends draw names and then deliver items like chocolates, flowers, and teddy bears to each other. That way everyone can have a Valentine"...  - Mary  "Since you aren’t spending your dough on some dude, might as well spend it on yourself. Give yourself some credit for how amazing you are and  ...

Another old piece 

The dating world has been quite generous to me . In the past , I have gone on fruitless dates to purposely kill time or merely out of boredom.  I went on a date today and surprisingly I had a great time. No , it wasn't at some lavish restaurant, he didn't buy me expensive gifts, and even though it was a very simple first date, out of all the first dates I've ever had, this one has been the most meaningful to me.  We met on Facebook , exchanged numbers. We had been texting for a few days before we decided to finally meet. Our texting conversations were very substantial and interesting . We  happened to click instantly . I could comfortably share information with him without feeling pressured or judged. Our first date was not nerve racking at all. We went to a coffee shop on Shrewsbury street . We sat there for hours and conversed about everything & anything that came to mind. It was very refreshing. We conversed about a series of things . We took his car since he ...

Matters of the heart can be such a touchy subject especially if the party involved has yet to fully heal from a past failed relationship.  When you let go of the past & allow yourself to feel and love again. it's the best thing that will ever happen to you . It's very much rewarding & fulfilling . Not everyone  you meet is out to get you. This photo speaks volumes as it depicts enhancing/uplifting and healing . Healing is a matter of giving yourself a second chance and opportunity to love again . Let someone in , it's a journey worthwhile .. You wont regret it  !!!!! 

"Colorism" -  Discrimination based on skin color , it  is a form of   prejudice  or discrimination   in which human beings are treated differently based on the social meanings attached to skin color. It  Is an uprising epidemic , To witness People being judged based on the color of their skin & Others in capability of seeing the beauty In their skin tone is quite sad. Comments such as, “You’re pretty ... for a dark skinned girl” or “I hope the baby comes out light” all contribute to this despicable dynamic. Historically,  just through observation we’ve seen that people with more European aesthetics and phenotypes were getting more privileges in society. It's something that we have definitely internalized .  Type dark skin or light skin into Twitter and you will see Colorism in  action. One tweet: "Party on Friday. White Girls free. Light skin girls 5dollars. 50 dollars for dark skin girls". Another: "I thought cute dark skin girls with lo...

Everything was great when we first started dating . Never thought I would see the day where both our hearts are breaking .  So I'm drinking every weekend speaking sober thoughts ... Staring at my phone wondering if I should call to tell you how I feel since the pain still hasn't healed .. Everything feels out of place I think a part of me was killed when I let you go thinking we could take it slow .  One month passes and you already found another chick to hold ... I should have known . You're in college right ? You probably met her at some freaking party right ? I saw it coming but chose to ignore it . In hopes that we could find love and restore it . But you went out exploring and I'm sitting back , thinking . How did things change ? There's not a thing you can do about it but take the blame for all the bullshit that you provided. I can't deny it , I made my mistakes but I was trying to fix them now it's too late . But I guess this is it , my final words to...

Look me in my eyes and tell me what you see ?  I'll tell you what you see  You'll see a young woman conflicted and wavering in her decisions  A girl praying to God to please devour her of all her enemies  A girl that feels broken and lost  A girl suffering from a bullet wound A girl that wants the world but feels rejected by the world A girl that's on the verge of giving up A girl that yearns for love and acceptance   

Women are natural nurturers so naturally we nurture our pain . Unfortunately, our pain manifests into sexuality. We yearn for that one person to COMPLETE us and make us whole .  Jumping from bed to bed in hope of gaining acceptance and unconditional love .  Little do you know , the love you are searching for in fact does come with conditions .  When you focus on yourself , you get focused on .  You should focus on him enhancing you spiritually , mentally and emotionally as opposed to him just stroking you intimately.  MAKE yourself WHOLE before you appear as a HOE to the rest of the world. My pain didn't manifest into sexuality . However , it manifested into anger and bitterness . I became a man eater .. I was a savage, I would demolish any man that crossed my path. First I would gain their trust then gradually convince them that they were the epitome of my world (thickest bullshit ever ) . As long as there was no physical contact , I had the upper hand aka leve...